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experiencelifemag.com
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The 'Real' You
Clinging to outdated notions of who you are can keep you from reaching your full
potential. Here’s how to embrace your true self.
Identity Matters
Taking a Closer Look
Moving on as the Real You
Does Your Self-Perception Need an Update?
As a young woman, my mom saw herself as someone who excelled at communication
and organization, but not in science. But years later, when her dad was in the
hospital, she was impressed with the nurses who cared for him and thought about
what a meaningful career nursing would be. She decided it would require too much
science to pursue, though, and scratched the idea. It would also mean a complete
career change. She’d been working in human resources at the same company for 20
years. Then, in 2003, while visiting colleges with my sister, she met a
nursing student in her 40s who inspired her to think that maybe it wasn’t too
late to change. After taking a few night classes, she quit her job to attend
nursing school — where she excelled in chemistry, anatomy and physiology. Now
she’s a registered nurse at a hospital. As we grow and change, it can be
challenging to align our self-perception with our true identity. Think of some
of the labels you might have attached to yourself, like “I’m shy,” “I’m bad with
money,” or “I’m bored by serious relationships.” Could it be that you’ve changed
but let that expired perception stick around? If so, those outdated labels
could affect the choices you make and keep you from reaching your potential. So
rather than being constrained by perceptions of who you used to be, maybe it’s
time to start claiming the “real” you.
Identity Matters
Although there’s a lot to gain by shedding old ideas of
who we are, it can be hard to leave the familiar behind. Many perceptions start
early in childhood and are deeply ingrained, says Mic Hunter, PsyD, a licensed
psychologist and marriage/family therapist in St. Paul, Minn. Once family
members form ideas of who you are — say it’s clumsy — they’ll remember examples
that reinforce it (spilling on the table) and ignore information to the contrary
(spinning gracefully on the dance floor). We do the same things to
ourselves, developing subconscious “rules” or expectations about who we are and
how we act. If it appears we’re about to break a rule, explains Hunter, it makes
us uncomfortable and can cause us to sabotage our own success. He saw one client
a few years ago who had made and lost five fortunes. Did having wealth break an
internal rule, causing him to subconsciously derail his business ventures?
Even positive identities can be limiting if they’re outdated. Think of a
high school football team’s star quarterback. If, at 40, he’s still proudly
sporting his letterman jacket and reliving the glory days without doing much
else, he may have become overly attached to that part of his identity — and in
the process, stymied his personal growth. “There ought not to be one moment
in anyone’s life, positive or negative, that defines a person’s life,” Hunter
says. “It is said that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, so too
with an individual’s life; one’s identity is greater than the sum of one’s
experiences.” How we self-identify is important because it has a real effect
on us, says cognitive psychologist Michael Hall, PhD, cofounder of the
International Society for Neuro-Semantics (www.neurosemantics.com). “Any story or
narrative that we tell ourselves and ‘believe’ operates as a self-fulfilling
prophecy,” he says. “The abstractions we make in our frontal lobes and higher
brain centers send messages to our body for acting on. If you believe that you
can’t remember names, that belief, as a command to the nervous system, will
inhibit your efforts at remembering names.” (For more on Hall’s work, see “Your
Body, Reframed” in the April 2006 archives.)
Taking a Closer Look
We are not always conscious of how we identify
ourselves. “It helps to write your perceptions out because we’re talking about
these being subconscious, a kind of whisper,” Hunter says. “We have to really
stop and listen because it’s so automatic.” Start by recalling
significant stories in your life that you tell or stories that others tell about
you, and ask people what stories they remember about you. Then look for the
common themes. Hall suggests completing the following
statements with eight to 12 responses: I am . . .
What I’m really proud of
myself for is . . .
Some of my weaknesses and character flaws are . .
.
“This helps us download the thoughts, feelings and memories in the
back of our minds that are affecting us,” he says. Once you’ve recorded
your thoughts, says Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is: Four Questions That
Can Change Your Life (Harmony Books, 2002), ask yourself four questions about
each statement. (For more on Katie’s approach, see “Stop Seeking
Love and Start Finding It” in the September 2007 archives.) Here’s an exercise for the statement “I’m a
failure:” - Is it true? Quietly let the answer come to you. Maybe your
spouse and parents have told you that, but is it really true?
- Can
you absolutely know it’s true? Go deeper, and look for examples proving you’re a
failure. Do those really prove it or just reveal underlying beliefs? Are there
examples showing you’re not a failure?
- How do you react when you
think that thought? How do you feel physically and what do you do when you think
you’re a failure? Slump your shoulders? Lose patience? Ask yourself, is there a
reason to drop that thought? Is there any reason to keep it?
- Who
would you be without the thought? Describe how you’d feel and act.
In his book Emotionally Free: Letting Go of the Past to Live in the Moment
(Contemporary Books, 1992), David Viscott, MD, suggests identifying strengths
and weaknesses because often they’re flip sides of the same coin. For example, a
person whose weakness is being a doormat probably has the strength of being
forgiving. Identify the strengths that correlate with a negative identity trait
to help you bring out the positive side and balance the negative.
Moving on as the Real You
Once you’re more aware of your self-perceptions,
it’ll be easier to drop old thoughts that don’t serve you. “Begin asking
possibility questions,” says Hall. “‘Who do I want to become?’ ‘What kind of
person and personality do I want to develop that would make life more enjoyable,
successful, effective?’” Then visualize that happening. As you reframe,
expect some challenges. People around you might continue to interact with you in
the context of your old self. You might also have to “act out” your new identity
until you really believe it, says Hunter. Imagine yourself as a character in a
movie, being confident of whatever the new identity is. How would that look?
What would you do? Make eye contact? Hold your shoulders back? Speak up? Do
those things until you’re no longer just acting. Taking the time to examine
what you think about yourself and how it affects your life can be incredibly
rewarding. “You have more freedom,” Hunter says. “You can decide to do something
or not do something because you are being true to yourself rather than playing
to those obsolete roles.” Sarah Moran is a health writer based in Minneapolis.
Does Your Self-Perception Need an Update?
Think you
might be clinging to an outdated identity? Licensed psychologist Mic Hunter,
PsyD, recommends asking yourself the following questions: - Do new friends have a different concept of who you are than do the
friends you’ve had for years?
- When you behave in a manner consistent with a role you have long
played does it add to your energy or decrease your energy?
- When you meet a new person, are you afraid they’ll somehow discover
some aspect of you that is from your past?
- When you’re with family members or others you have known for a long
time, do you feel pressured to act in a way that no longer feels
authentic?
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The 'Real' You
Clinging to outdated notions of who you are can keep you from reaching your full
potential. Here’s how to embrace your true self.
By Sarah Moran | Insight Department,
May 2008 |
Identity Matters
Taking a Closer Look
Moving on as the Real You
Does Your Self-Perception Need an Update?
As a young woman, my mom saw herself as someone who excelled at communication
and organization, but not in science. But years later, when her dad was in the
hospital, she was impressed with the nurses who cared for him and thought about
what a meaningful career nursing would be. She decided it would require too much
science to pursue, though, and scratched the idea. It would also mean a complete
career change. She’d been working in human resources at the same company for 20
years. Then, in 2003, while visiting colleges with my sister, she met a
nursing student in her 40s who inspired her to think that maybe it wasn’t too
late to change. After taking a few night classes, she quit her job to attend
nursing school — where she excelled in chemistry, anatomy and physiology. Now
she’s a registered nurse at a hospital. As we grow and change, it can be
challenging to align our self-perception with our true identity. Think of some
of the labels you might have attached to yourself, like “I’m shy,” “I’m bad with
money,” or “I’m bored by serious relationships.” Could it be that you’ve changed
but let that expired perception stick around? If so, those outdated labels
could affect the choices you make and keep you from reaching your potential. So
rather than being constrained by perceptions of who you used to be, maybe it’s
time to start claiming the “real” you.
Identity Matters (Back to Top)
Although there’s a lot to gain by shedding old ideas of
who we are, it can be hard to leave the familiar behind. Many perceptions start
early in childhood and are deeply ingrained, says Mic Hunter, PsyD, a licensed
psychologist and marriage/family therapist in St. Paul, Minn. Once family
members form ideas of who you are — say it’s clumsy — they’ll remember examples
that reinforce it (spilling on the table) and ignore information to the contrary
(spinning gracefully on the dance floor). We do the same things to
ourselves, developing subconscious “rules” or expectations about who we are and
how we act. If it appears we’re about to break a rule, explains Hunter, it makes
us uncomfortable and can cause us to sabotage our own success. He saw one client
a few years ago who had made and lost five fortunes. Did having wealth break an
internal rule, causing him to subconsciously derail his business ventures?
Even positive identities can be limiting if they’re outdated. Think of a
high school football team’s star quarterback. If, at 40, he’s still proudly
sporting his letterman jacket and reliving the glory days without doing much
else, he may have become overly attached to that part of his identity — and in
the process, stymied his personal growth. “There ought not to be one moment
in anyone’s life, positive or negative, that defines a person’s life,” Hunter
says. “It is said that the whole is greater than the sum of the parts, so too
with an individual’s life; one’s identity is greater than the sum of one’s
experiences.” How we self-identify is important because it has a real effect
on us, says cognitive psychologist Michael Hall, PhD, cofounder of the
International Society for Neuro-Semantics (www.neurosemantics.com). “Any story or
narrative that we tell ourselves and ‘believe’ operates as a self-fulfilling
prophecy,” he says. “The abstractions we make in our frontal lobes and higher
brain centers send messages to our body for acting on. If you believe that you
can’t remember names, that belief, as a command to the nervous system, will
inhibit your efforts at remembering names.” (For more on Hall’s work, see “Your
Body, Reframed” in the April 2006 archives.)
Taking a Closer Look (Back to Top)
We are not always conscious of how we identify
ourselves. “It helps to write your perceptions out because we’re talking about
these being subconscious, a kind of whisper,” Hunter says. “We have to really
stop and listen because it’s so automatic.” Start by recalling
significant stories in your life that you tell or stories that others tell about
you, and ask people what stories they remember about you. Then look for the
common themes. Hall suggests completing the following
statements with eight to 12 responses: I am . . .
What I’m really proud of
myself for is . . .
Some of my weaknesses and character flaws are . .
.
“This helps us download the thoughts, feelings and memories in the
back of our minds that are affecting us,” he says. Once you’ve recorded
your thoughts, says Byron Katie, author of Loving What Is: Four Questions That
Can Change Your Life (Harmony Books, 2002), ask yourself four questions about
each statement. (For more on Katie’s approach, see “Stop Seeking
Love and Start Finding It” in the September 2007 archives.) Here’s an exercise for the statement “I’m a
failure:” - Is it true? Quietly let the answer come to you. Maybe your
spouse and parents have told you that, but is it really true?
- Can
you absolutely know it’s true? Go deeper, and look for examples proving you’re a
failure. Do those really prove it or just reveal underlying beliefs? Are there
examples showing you’re not a failure?
- How do you react when you
think that thought? How do you feel physically and what do you do when you think
you’re a failure? Slump your shoulders? Lose patience? Ask yourself, is there a
reason to drop that thought? Is there any reason to keep it?
- Who
would you be without the thought? Describe how you’d feel and act.
In his book Emotionally Free: Letting Go of the Past to Live in the Moment
(Contemporary Books, 1992), David Viscott, MD, suggests identifying strengths
and weaknesses because often they’re flip sides of the same coin. For example, a
person whose weakness is being a doormat probably has the strength of being
forgiving. Identify the strengths that correlate with a negative identity trait
to help you bring out the positive side and balance the negative.
Moving on as the Real You (Back to Top)
Once you’re more aware of your self-perceptions,
it’ll be easier to drop old thoughts that don’t serve you. “Begin asking
possibility questions,” says Hall. “‘Who do I want to become?’ ‘What kind of
person and personality do I want to develop that would make life more enjoyable,
successful, effective?’” Then visualize that happening. As you reframe,
expect some challenges. People around you might continue to interact with you in
the context of your old self. You might also have to “act out” your new identity
until you really believe it, says Hunter. Imagine yourself as a character in a
movie, being confident of whatever the new identity is. How would that look?
What would you do? Make eye contact? Hold your shoulders back? Speak up? Do
those things until you’re no longer just acting. Taking the time to examine
what you think about yourself and how it affects your life can be incredibly
rewarding. “You have more freedom,” Hunter says. “You can decide to do something
or not do something because you are being true to yourself rather than playing
to those obsolete roles.” Sarah Moran is a health writer based in Minneapolis.
Does Your Self-Perception Need an Update? (Back to Top)
Think you
might be clinging to an outdated identity? Licensed psychologist Mic Hunter,
PsyD, recommends asking yourself the following questions: - Do new friends have a different concept of who you are than do the
friends you’ve had for years?
- When you behave in a manner consistent with a role you have long
played does it add to your energy or decrease your energy?
- When you meet a new person, are you afraid they’ll somehow discover
some aspect of you that is from your past?
- When you’re with family members or others you have known for a long
time, do you feel pressured to act in a way that no longer feels
authentic?
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