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experiencelifemag.com
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Compassionate Communication
When we pay attention to the words we use and the way we use them, we improve
the odds of strengthening and deepening our most meaningful relationships.
By Lindsey Dickinson |
March 2009 |
Motivated by Compassion
Putting It Into Practice
The Compassionate Response
Getting Started With Compassionate Communication
Resources
Your coworker Joe is a nice guy, but he’s an interrupter: You’ll nearly be
done making a point and he cuts in — to agree, to disagree — doesn’t matter.
Every time it happens, you feel frustrated and annoyed — and you’re ready to
unload on him. When a person or situation triggers our less savory emotions, blame and
negativity arise. Blame is a reflexive response that helps us protect our egos
and avoid the hard work of examining our own emotions and culpability.
The trouble is that blame and grumbling usually make bad situations even worse.
If we’ve decided Joe is hopelessly rude, and we confront him about it with
language that insinuates as much, we’re unlikely to inspire Joe to change his
behavior, let alone get what we hope to get from the situation. Rather, Joe will
probably just get defensive and level blame right back. And we wind up in the
same frustrated and annoyed place where we started. When we’re able to
pause before we react and identify what’s going on beneath all the
confrontational language, however, we can approach the situation with more compassion and
understanding. This approach has several benefits: It helps us get more of our
own needs met, it helps us better understand and meet others’ needs, and it
allows us to more fully appreciate and enjoy our relationships. “When you
give other people the gift of your attention and empathy, it makes them feel
understood and they become more open to hearing what’s on your mind,” says Dr.
Michael Nichols, professor of psychology at the College of William and Mary and
author of The Lost Art of Listening (The Guilford Press, 1994). This is the
guiding philosophy of compassionate communication, an approach to speaking and
listening that helps us respond to others more effectively in even the most
difficult situations. Practicing compassionate communication promotes deeper
connections with loved ones, more harmonious relationships and a greater sense
of inner peace.
Motivated by Compassion
Compassionate communication (also known as
nonviolent communication) helps people remain empathetic with each other, even
in situations fraught with anger or frustration. It teaches people to speak to
others without blaming and to hear personal criticisms without withering. This
approach can be used to respond to nearly any situation — from dealing with
troublesome colleagues in the workplace to ironing out rough patches with
romantic partners and children at home. Clinical psychologist Marshall B.
Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Puddledancer
Press, 2003), is generally credited with creating and promoting this approach to
communicating. He theorized that most communication is an effort to get a core
human need met and that if we train ourselves to home in on the deeper, unspoken
needs underlying and informing harsh language, we can respond more
effectively. When we’re able to pay attention to core needs — our own and
others’ — we’re motivated to act out of compassion instead of out of guilt, fear
or shame. And, when we’re motivated by compassion, we don’t rely on defensive or
blaming language — language that stalls and sometimes completely derails
effective communication — in difficult situations. Instead, we approach others
with more kindness and understanding — and, in turn, we’re more likely to be
able to both give and receive what’s most needed.
Putting It Into Practice
Rosenberg’s technique for communicating
compassionately relies on four core steps: - observing a situation without
judgment;
- discerning which emotions are being triggered in the situation;
-
connecting those emotions to the underlying needs that aren’t being
addressed; and
- making a reasonable request of the other person.
Let’s go
back to our interrupting coworker, Joe. Say you’re talking in the break room, he
interrupts you, and all your intense, negative feelings get triggered. When
using compassionate communication, your first goal is to pause and observe
what’s happening. Ask yourself: What just happened? (I was talking and Joe
interrupted). Now identify the feelings that reflexively cropped up for you. Ask
yourself: What am I feeling? (I feel frustrated and annoyed). The next step
is to connect the feelings you just observed and described with the deeper needs
that underlie them. Humans share several core needs, including autonomy,
physical nurturance, connection and respect. Most of our communication is an
attempt to meet one of those needs. To parse what needs underlie your
feelings, get specific. Describe your emotions with as much detail as you can.
Use words like anxious, rushed or overlooked, as opposed to bummed, for
example. Specific language will contain more clues about the needs involved. Let’s take your feelings about coworker Joe. Do you feel intruded upon?
Disrespected? Unheard? Insulted? If you feel disrespected or insulted, you may
have a core need to be respected in the workplace. Reviewed in this context, the very nature of your irritation and frustration can
become an important tool in self-discovery. Once you connect with your deeper needs, you’re more likely to
recognize them not as good or bad, but as human. Your natural empathy comes to
the fore (you’re not a bad person for being annoyed by Joe, you simply need to
be heard), and defensiveness and anger start to recede (Joe’s habit of interrupting isn’t intended to drive you crazy — it just rubs
you wrong because it steps on some important needs of your own). It’s from this place of
greater empathy and receptivity for yourself that you can use the same
questioning techniques to examine Joe’s motives and feelings — and begin to
recognize the very human needs driving his behavior. Your subsequent deeper
understanding of Joe’s needs allows your natural compassion to flourish when you
respond to him.
The Compassionate Response
Now that you’ve explored the situation with Joe
on a deeper, more human level, you’re primed to respond to him in a way that
both addresses the deeper needs at play and also has a greater chance of getting
those needs met. The most effective way to frame your compassionate response
to Joe, according to Rosenberg’s model, is to make a clear, reasonable and
positive request. The idea here is to both limit confusion and prevent reactive resistance. For example, the request shouldn’t be, “Please don’t interrupt me,”
but rather, “Would you be willing to let me finish my thought before you begin
speaking?” This takes some practice, but that shift in dynamic between two
people eventually can alter the tone of the relationship — for everyone’s
benefit. Lindsey Dickinson is a freelance writer in Minneapolis.
Getting Started With Compassionate Communication
There are
four components in the compassionate communication model. Each step helps you
respond to others with less blame and more compassion in difficult
situations. - Practice observing actions, rather than judging or evaluating
them. This helps to short-circuit emotional reactions and gives you the opportunity to
harvest important insights.
- Identify your
feelings in difficult situations and describe them in specific terms. Try using
precise words like unsettled or agitated, instead of good or fine. Specific
emotions provide clarity, simplifying the connection between your feelings and
the deeper needs underlying them.
- Explore how needs inform your
feelings: The next time you experience a strong emotion, try linking it to a
need. For example, if you feel angered with your spouse for forgetting to pay
the bills on time, see if that feeling connects with your core need to act responsibly, or perhaps your need to feel secure, taken care of or in control. Next try to
connect what he might be feeling — perhaps overwhelmed at the number of chores
on his plate, or frustrated that he’s not better at keeping track of fiscal
details — with a deeper need of his. Perhaps he feels called to focus on other
things, a need to succeed in areas that come more naturally to him, or a need to
do things “his own way.” Taken in this light, his “offense” may begin to make
more sense, to seem more human, and therefore more deserving of a compassionate,
constructive response. Identifying and owning your needs and preferences may, at
the very least, help you evolve your own reaction beyond accusations and
nagging.
- Practice making
specific, positive requests for what you would like someone to do to meet your
needs, instead of instinctively reacting to a situation with blame and
negativity.
Focus on what you want to create and experience or would like to see happen, as
opposed to what you want to prevent or stop.
Resources
Center for Nonviolent Communication (including lists of
feelings and needs): www.cnvc.org Compassionate
Communication Information from Puddledancer Press: www.nonviolentcommunication.com
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Compassionate Communication
When we pay attention to the words we use and the way we use them, we improve
the odds of strengthening and deepening our most meaningful relationships.
By Lindsey Dickinson | Insight Department,
March 2009 |
Motivated by Compassion
Putting It Into Practice
The Compassionate Response
Getting Started With Compassionate Communication
Resources
Your coworker Joe is a nice guy, but he’s an interrupter: You’ll nearly be
done making a point and he cuts in — to agree, to disagree — doesn’t matter.
Every time it happens, you feel frustrated and annoyed — and you’re ready to
unload on him. When a person or situation triggers our less savory emotions, blame and
negativity arise. Blame is a reflexive response that helps us protect our egos
and avoid the hard work of examining our own emotions and culpability.
The trouble is that blame and grumbling usually make bad situations even worse.
If we’ve decided Joe is hopelessly rude, and we confront him about it with
language that insinuates as much, we’re unlikely to inspire Joe to change his
behavior, let alone get what we hope to get from the situation. Rather, Joe will
probably just get defensive and level blame right back. And we wind up in the
same frustrated and annoyed place where we started. When we’re able to
pause before we react and identify what’s going on beneath all the
confrontational language, however, we can approach the situation with more compassion and
understanding. This approach has several benefits: It helps us get more of our
own needs met, it helps us better understand and meet others’ needs, and it
allows us to more fully appreciate and enjoy our relationships. “When you
give other people the gift of your attention and empathy, it makes them feel
understood and they become more open to hearing what’s on your mind,” says Dr.
Michael Nichols, professor of psychology at the College of William and Mary and
author of The Lost Art of Listening (The Guilford Press, 1994). This is the
guiding philosophy of compassionate communication, an approach to speaking and
listening that helps us respond to others more effectively in even the most
difficult situations. Practicing compassionate communication promotes deeper
connections with loved ones, more harmonious relationships and a greater sense
of inner peace.
Motivated by Compassion (Back to Top)
Compassionate communication (also known as
nonviolent communication) helps people remain empathetic with each other, even
in situations fraught with anger or frustration. It teaches people to speak to
others without blaming and to hear personal criticisms without withering. This
approach can be used to respond to nearly any situation — from dealing with
troublesome colleagues in the workplace to ironing out rough patches with
romantic partners and children at home. Clinical psychologist Marshall B.
Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life (Puddledancer
Press, 2003), is generally credited with creating and promoting this approach to
communicating. He theorized that most communication is an effort to get a core
human need met and that if we train ourselves to home in on the deeper, unspoken
needs underlying and informing harsh language, we can respond more
effectively. When we’re able to pay attention to core needs — our own and
others’ — we’re motivated to act out of compassion instead of out of guilt, fear
or shame. And, when we’re motivated by compassion, we don’t rely on defensive or
blaming language — language that stalls and sometimes completely derails
effective communication — in difficult situations. Instead, we approach others
with more kindness and understanding — and, in turn, we’re more likely to be
able to both give and receive what’s most needed.
Putting It Into Practice (Back to Top)
Rosenberg’s technique for communicating
compassionately relies on four core steps: - observing a situation without
judgment;
- discerning which emotions are being triggered in the situation;
-
connecting those emotions to the underlying needs that aren’t being
addressed; and
- making a reasonable request of the other person.
Let’s go
back to our interrupting coworker, Joe. Say you’re talking in the break room, he
interrupts you, and all your intense, negative feelings get triggered. When
using compassionate communication, your first goal is to pause and observe
what’s happening. Ask yourself: What just happened? (I was talking and Joe
interrupted). Now identify the feelings that reflexively cropped up for you. Ask
yourself: What am I feeling? (I feel frustrated and annoyed). The next step
is to connect the feelings you just observed and described with the deeper needs
that underlie them. Humans share several core needs, including autonomy,
physical nurturance, connection and respect. Most of our communication is an
attempt to meet one of those needs. To parse what needs underlie your
feelings, get specific. Describe your emotions with as much detail as you can.
Use words like anxious, rushed or overlooked, as opposed to bummed, for
example. Specific language will contain more clues about the needs involved. Let’s take your feelings about coworker Joe. Do you feel intruded upon?
Disrespected? Unheard? Insulted? If you feel disrespected or insulted, you may
have a core need to be respected in the workplace. Reviewed in this context, the very nature of your irritation and frustration can
become an important tool in self-discovery. Once you connect with your deeper needs, you’re more likely to
recognize them not as good or bad, but as human. Your natural empathy comes to
the fore (you’re not a bad person for being annoyed by Joe, you simply need to
be heard), and defensiveness and anger start to recede (Joe’s habit of interrupting isn’t intended to drive you crazy — it just rubs
you wrong because it steps on some important needs of your own). It’s from this place of
greater empathy and receptivity for yourself that you can use the same
questioning techniques to examine Joe’s motives and feelings — and begin to
recognize the very human needs driving his behavior. Your subsequent deeper
understanding of Joe’s needs allows your natural compassion to flourish when you
respond to him.
The Compassionate Response (Back to Top)
Now that you’ve explored the situation with Joe
on a deeper, more human level, you’re primed to respond to him in a way that
both addresses the deeper needs at play and also has a greater chance of getting
those needs met. The most effective way to frame your compassionate response
to Joe, according to Rosenberg’s model, is to make a clear, reasonable and
positive request. The idea here is to both limit confusion and prevent reactive resistance. For example, the request shouldn’t be, “Please don’t interrupt me,”
but rather, “Would you be willing to let me finish my thought before you begin
speaking?” This takes some practice, but that shift in dynamic between two
people eventually can alter the tone of the relationship — for everyone’s
benefit. Lindsey Dickinson is a freelance writer in Minneapolis.
Getting Started With Compassionate Communication (Back to Top)
There are
four components in the compassionate communication model. Each step helps you
respond to others with less blame and more compassion in difficult
situations. - Practice observing actions, rather than judging or evaluating
them. This helps to short-circuit emotional reactions and gives you the opportunity to
harvest important insights.
- Identify your
feelings in difficult situations and describe them in specific terms. Try using
precise words like unsettled or agitated, instead of good or fine. Specific
emotions provide clarity, simplifying the connection between your feelings and
the deeper needs underlying them.
- Explore how needs inform your
feelings: The next time you experience a strong emotion, try linking it to a
need. For example, if you feel angered with your spouse for forgetting to pay
the bills on time, see if that feeling connects with your core need to act responsibly, or perhaps your need to feel secure, taken care of or in control. Next try to
connect what he might be feeling — perhaps overwhelmed at the number of chores
on his plate, or frustrated that he’s not better at keeping track of fiscal
details — with a deeper need of his. Perhaps he feels called to focus on other
things, a need to succeed in areas that come more naturally to him, or a need to
do things “his own way.” Taken in this light, his “offense” may begin to make
more sense, to seem more human, and therefore more deserving of a compassionate,
constructive response. Identifying and owning your needs and preferences may, at
the very least, help you evolve your own reaction beyond accusations and
nagging.
- Practice making
specific, positive requests for what you would like someone to do to meet your
needs, instead of instinctively reacting to a situation with blame and
negativity.
Focus on what you want to create and experience or would like to see happen, as
opposed to what you want to prevent or stop.
Resources (Back to Top)
Center for Nonviolent Communication (including lists of
feelings and needs): www.cnvc.org Compassionate
Communication Information from Puddledancer Press: www.nonviolentcommunication.com
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