Someone’s nervous about what comes next….
I just finished reading The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan and Barbara Pease (which, for a personal development book, is a real page-turner — the suspense of wondering what certain body movements reveal will keep you reading way past your bedtime!). Here’s what I learned: our bodies always betray our real feelings.
Say you’re going to tell a kindhearted lie to a friend who asks if “these pants make my butt look big?” Your lips will say “No! Not at all!” But your body language will say, “Yeah, kinda” if that’s how you really feel. Authors Allan and Barbara Pease say people often ask them if they can learn to fake it — learn to mask their feelings of anxiety at a job interview, or to hide their jitters on a first date, or to cover up their interest or disinterest in someone they meet at a party. The answer is: Nope. Never fully.
Here’s why: we’re animals. Our highly-developed brains know that we should strive to appear calm when, say, work meetings turn tense. Yet our bodies still respond on a primal level, giving off microsignals that say we’re frightened or feeling superior or are desperate to flee. And that’s how we get caught: People perceive we aren’t being fully truthful when our words and our bodies’ microsignals don’t match up. Our brains can spot the incongruence — and it’s that mismatch that gives rise to the visceral feeling that something just isn’t right.
Even people who practice can’t stifle all the microsignals — they still appear, however small, giving us the opportunity to discern someone’s deeper feelings if we’re paying attention. Yet most movements don’t require that much concentration on our part because most people let their bodies chatter away uncensored. The Peases write:
“Like any other species, we are still dominated by biological rules that control our actions, reactions, body language, and gestures. The fascinating thing is that the human animal is rarely aware that its postures, movements, and gestures can tell one story while its voice may be telling another.”
The good news here is that if you take some time to study up on body language, your own and others, you’ll be better able to perceive what others are really saying — and better aware of the signals you’re sending. The book is full of fascinating facts, figures and data, and I recommend it for anyone interested in becoming fluent in body language. Meanwhile, here’s a short guide, culled from the book, of some common body signals and what they mean.
1. Crossed Arms — Crossed arms show that a person doesn’t agree or isn’t interested in what’s being said and/or has a nervous, defensive or negative attitude. Crossed arms are a pretty obvious posture to decipher; the more interesting bit of news here, I think, is how the posturing also works in reverse.
When you adopt a body position, such as crossing your arms, your mind tends to follow, which means that even if you weren’t feeling disinterested or defensive, if you cross your arms you’re likely to start feeling that way. Research conducted by the Peases found that students at a lecture who were instructed to listen to the lecturer with their arms crossed not only retained 38 percent less of the information being presented but also had more negative thoughts about the lecturer!
The takeaway? If you want to be more receptive, uncross those arms! And if you find someone crossing their arms as you talk (likely indicating that they are closed off to what you’re saying), try getting them to uncross them. The Peases suggest offering the person a cup of coffee or handing them a piece of paper to get them to reach out of the crossed-arm position. If you can break them out of their posture, their mind is more likely to follow — and you’ve just helped them help themselves like you better!
2. The Coffee Cup Barrier — Speaking of coffee, where someone places their coffee cup immediately after taking a drink will tell you a lot about what they’re thinking. If they reach across their bodies to set the cup down (bringing their cup-holding arm in front of and across their bodies, creating a “single arm barrier”), they’re likely hesitant or unsure about what they’re hearing. When they place the cup straight down in front or to the side and away their body, they’re more open to what’s being said.
(Cautionary note: always consider context when hunting for body language clues. Fort example, a person might be very accepting of what’s being said but their coaster is opposite their cup-holding hand. So when they put down their cup they won’t be saying “no way” so much as trying to avoid a water ring on their desk! Likewise, if it’s below freezing outside and someone is crossing their arms while you talk with them, they’re probably just cold.)
3. The Nose Touch — We touch our noses when we lie. Studies show the reason is physiological. The Peases refer a study by the Smell and Taste Treatment and Research Foundation in Chicago that found when we lie, our blood pressure increases. “Increased blood pressure inflates the nose and causes the nerve endings in the nose to tingle” resulting in an itchy feeling. So, naturally, we scratch it. And while some people will briskly scratch their noses back and forth several times, others, note the Peases, will make one “almost imperceptible” touch/scratch. So the move can be subtle, but it’s almost always there when we fib.
A good high-profile example: Bill Clinton’s testimony during the Monica Lewinsky affair. Neurologist Alan Hirsch and psychiatrist Charles Wolf analyzed tapes of his testimony and found when he told the truth, he rarely touched his nose. When he lied, “he gave a split second frown before he answered and touched his nose once every four minutes for a grand total of twenty six nose touches.”
(Note: Sometimes a nose itch is just a nose itch. If this is the case, scratches tend to be more deliberate, repetitive and out of context with the conversation, note the Peases. So, again, its all about context.)
4. Picking Imaginary Lint — “When a person disapproves of the opinions or attitudes of others but doesn’t want to say anything, displacement gestures are likely to occur, that is, primarily innocent body-language gestures that reveal a withheld opinion,” write the Peases. “Picking imaginary lint from one’s own clothing is one such gesture. The lint-picker usually looks down and away from others while performing this seemingly minor, irrelevant action. This is a common signal of disapproval and is a good sign that he doesn’t like what’s being said, even when he sounds as if he’s agreeing with everything.”
