Renovating Kaeti

I’ve been putting it off because, well, the thought of giving up cheese (not to mention sugar) for longer than 30 seconds kind of makes me want to cry. Oh, and I’ve been recovering from my shin injury. And I’ve just been so busy.

Trust me, I have saddlebags full of more excuses.

So basically, I really really need to do this detox. My eating habits have spiraled out of control faster than I could eat a bag of Bugles and wash ‘em down with a Yoo-hoo (which, I imagine, could happen pretty quickly — Bugles and Yoo-hoo aren’t the sort of food-like products that you want to savor).

But enough of this rigamorole, I told myself.* It’s time to get serious and subject myself to a week of rabbit food, skin brushing** and the potential side effects of detox including, but not limited to, noxious body odor, acne, bad breath, constipation, bloating, irritability and headaches.*** Doesn’t this sound like so much fun?!

Seriously, the list of potential side effects reads like a pharmaceutical ad.**** But you know what? I got myself into this mess, so I’ll cowboy up and greet these side effects with grace and charm, because that’s just how I roll. I’ll even take it in stride when this detox program asks that I drink borage oil.

Without further pandering, I’m going to start this detox tomorrow morning. I apologize ahead of time if I turn into a firemonster or try to eat your babies. I doubt that will happen, though, because I’ll be following the detox program crafted by Dr. Mark Hyman (as revealed to us humans in The UltraSimple Diet and The Detox Box).

Anyone feel like joining me? I promise it’ll be really fun. Hello?

[crickets]

** Your guess is as good as mine.

*** Basically, I’m never going to have a boyfriend again. They should include permanent singleness as a side effect.

**** Watching pharmaceutical ads may cause drowsiness, bleeding from the eyes, stomach ulcerations and severe bouts of uncontrollable, blackout rage.