Renovating Kaeti

The UltraDetox extravaganza is over over over.

Seven days later, I’m feeling good and definitely more in control of my eating habits. And while I usually don’t put much stock in inches and pounds, I was curious just how much weight my body was holding onto because of inflammation so I took some measurements. After seven days, I have lost:

9 pounds overall

3 inches off my waist

3.5 inches off my hips.

All of that without resorting to one of those “TurboPump SuperMax” workout videos that are always hawked on infomercials Saturday morning (it can’t be all Meet the Press all the time, after all. A girl needs balance).

So overall, this detox thing was a smashing success. Unfortunately, because of a calf injury and resulting hip soreness, my running has been … lacking. In fact, that 10k training schedule looks something more like this now:

OK, maybe it’s not that bad, but I definitely don’t foresee that whole “10k” thing happening. I am running the Recycle Run 5K on April 20, so I haven’t given up completely. But all the chutzpah in the world isn’t going to get my injured butt ready for a 6.2 mile race in three weeks.

This is my plan for getting back on track:

• Keep doing long runs, even if “long” ends up being short.
• Cross-train to avoid imbalances.
• Amp up strength training.
• Get back into yoga classes.

Because, really folks, missing your weekend long run because you just had to sit at home and watch the Home Shopping Network is not a good excuse. Unless of course they’re selling Tahitian-print high-water pants — then who could blame you?

Welcome to my UltraBlog. Are you having an UltraDay? I know I am. This UltraMorning, I got up and to take a shot of extra-virgin olive oil and lemon juice, followed by an UltraShake — all the while smelling vaguely of baking soda and Epsom salts from my UltraBath last night.

We’re two days into UltraDetox (if you don’t know why I’m using “Ultra” incessantly, check out the previous post), and I’m feeling great alive. Further bulletins as events warrant.

In the meantime, check out the guest post over on Cranky Fitness today. It reminded me that I really need to get back into yoga. Without it, my body falls apart. Or, more accurately, constricts into impenetrable knots. It’s always good to hear that you don’t have to be a Certain Way to be an athlete. And while accepting yourself as you are right now is often one of the most difficult challenges we face, once that hurdle is conquered there’s nothing to hold you back.

Now I’m off to drink some UltraBroth.

I’ve been putting it off because, well, the thought of giving up cheese (not to mention sugar) for longer than 30 seconds kind of makes me want to cry. Oh, and I’ve been recovering from my shin injury. And I’ve just been so busy.

Trust me, I have saddlebags full of more excuses.

So basically, I really really need to do this detox. My eating habits have spiraled out of control faster than I could eat a bag of Bugles and wash ‘em down with a Yoo-hoo (which, I imagine, could happen pretty quickly — Bugles and Yoo-hoo aren’t the sort of food-like products that you want to savor).

But enough of this rigamorole, I told myself.* It’s time to get serious and subject myself to a week of rabbit food, skin brushing** and the potential side effects of detox including, but not limited to, noxious body odor, acne, bad breath, constipation, bloating, irritability and headaches.*** Doesn’t this sound like so much fun?!

Seriously, the list of potential side effects reads like a pharmaceutical ad.**** But you know what? I got myself into this mess, so I’ll cowboy up and greet these side effects with grace and charm, because that’s just how I roll. I’ll even take it in stride when this detox program asks that I drink borage oil.

Without further pandering, I’m going to start this detox tomorrow morning. I apologize ahead of time if I turn into a firemonster or try to eat your babies. I doubt that will happen, though, because I’ll be following the detox program crafted by Dr. Mark Hyman (as revealed to us humans in The UltraSimple Diet and The Detox Box).

Anyone feel like joining me? I promise it’ll be really fun. Hello?

[crickets]

** Your guess is as good as mine.

*** Basically, I’m never going to have a boyfriend again. They should include permanent singleness as a side effect.

**** Watching pharmaceutical ads may cause drowsiness, bleeding from the eyes, stomach ulcerations and severe bouts of uncontrollable, blackout rage.